


Warm in my friendships

by DidiNyx



Series: 2018 Lams Fics [2]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Drinking to Cope, Drunken Confessions, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Falling In Love, Fluff and Humor, Historical References, LGBTQ Themes, Lams - Freeform, Love Confessions, M/M, Making Out, Past Relationship(s), Pining, Slightly Depressed John, Supportive Alex, Valentine's Day, gay shit, i'm trying a new storyline alright, ily john, in the heights anyone, past break up, slight homophobia, some cussing but nothing bad, this bitch francis tho, was the ending too much or just right
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-10
Updated: 2018-02-10
Packaged: 2019-03-13 17:43:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,805
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13575696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DidiNyx/pseuds/DidiNyx
Summary: John doesn't want Alex to be another Francis situation, but can't help falling in love with our favorite Scottish tragedy.*Alex sees his friend hurting and hopes maybe some alcohol will cease the pain, though he has a secret confession... It's not just to let John forget his heartache.





	Warm in my friendships

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you'll enjoy! I've been soo busy but managed to work on this fic for the past week. :)  
> Inspiration: john-laurens.tumblr.com
> 
> ..but also my friends. They legit helped me come up with this idea because I'm kind of... not creative when it comes to storylines, ha. Bless you Choco, if you're reading this! You were the real inspiration.
> 
> P.S. Trying to work on a bigger storyline in the future, so stay tuned ;)

Even coffee couldn't help John's current situation. 

He had been sitting on the couch with his laptop in his lap, staring at the screen for the past thirty minutes, occasionally typing a sentence or two before erasing the whole thing. His roommate and close friend, Alexander, gave him a study tip: Always have caffeine nearby. John snorted, recalling the memory. Maybe _Alex_ was the type of person to stay up for a whole night high on coffee to finish a five-paged essay (in which he'd write maybe ten pages instead), but John didn't find that as a healthy coping mechanism. (And that's coming from _me_ , John thought.)

Completely distracted with his work, he hadn't realized Alex entering the house and throwing his jacket on the kitchen floor, almost tripping over his own boots and cursing in the process. He quickly brushed his ginger hair out of the way and nearly collapsed on John with a grin on his face.

"Shit!" John cried, catching the Starbucks cup before it spilled all over his laptop. "Lex, warn me next time before you jump-scare me like that," he said teasingly. 

Alex chuckled, though embarrassed. "Sorry," he muttered, pressing his shorter frame closer to John's. "Whatcha doin'?"

John sighed, exasperated - not to mention distracted by Alex's sharp hip bone digging into his side. "Work from my father. He's been sending me emails on all these different jobs he envisions me pursuing once I'm out of college. All in which regard _law_ ," John stretched out the word in disgust. "I still don't have the heart to tell him what my _real_ career even is."

"A very passionate activist," Alex said with a salute. "Not to mention a hella fine artist."

John smiled sadly. "I'm glad at least you believe in my abilities."

"Of course, of course," Alex mused, now reading the laptop screen though he seemed almost preoccupied. "And I see you took my advice?"

"The coffee's great, yeah, but honestly I have no idea how you drink this stuff. I prefer tea."

Alex grabbed the Starbucks cup. "Then I'll take this," he said with a wicked grin.

John snorted. "It'll be my pleasure, dear Alex, for you to keep that."

"A token of our friendship."

John laughed for the first time in hours. "Exactly."

Alex hummed in response. After a moment of silence, he asked "So, are you planning anything this month? Or this week?" 

"No... Why?" John almost didn't notice his friend biting his lip nervously.

"I don't know," Alex shrugged. "I mean, you do know what happens in February, right?"

John thought for a moment. "It's Black History month," he said in pleasure.

Alex rolled his eyes. "It's also Valentine's Day this month, dummy."

"Oh... yeah." John deflated slightly, a rush of memories coming back to him like a wave during a storm. The letters, Geneva, closed doors and whispered conversations...

"I suppose it is. Were you planning on something?" He finally faced his friend after snapping back to reality, now satisfied with the fact that Alex was blushing a bright pink - a true rarity.

"Well..." His friend, usually very quick-witted and eloquent with words, was almost speechless. "Kind of. I mean, Laf and Angelica wanted to have a small party or whatever. I know we're caught up in our studies, too much so to just fool around on campus, but I was just wondering if maybe you wanted us to do something."

John raised an eyebrow, closing his laptop. "You and I?"

"Yes, I believe that's why I said 'us'."

"Hmm." John considered this. "I mean, obviously there's nowhere I can go that you won't follow-"

"We are quite stuck with each other," Alex chuckled.

"..And it's not like I have too many _other_ friends..."

Alex shoved him playfully. "You love me and that's why you're still here."

"Duh." John shoved him back, hands lingering on Alex's chest. "I wasn't planning on anything too special though. We'll see."

Alex was quiet for a moment. "Okay," he finally said, quieter than usual.

John leaned back on the couch. "Now, I'm sick of reading through my father's garbage. Let's watch a movie or something."

* * *

_John felt a tug at his sleeve. He turned his attention away from the dance floor to face a young woman with platinum blonde hair tied back in a bun and cheerful, pale blue eyes that sparkled with amusement. She was dressed in an elegant white dress and held a card in her delicate hands. He thought she was absolutely beautiful - Though not in the way he wished he could think, only on behalf of his family..._

_If John hadn't known her, he would've suspected she was lost. Ladies don't usually swarm around him often. Fortunately, he recognized her - Martha Manning, his childhood best friend._

_She gestured to the other side of the room. "You should talk to him."_

_John glanced in the direction she was looking in. Right by the mini bar was a familiar face: A taller boy, about John's age, with short, ginger hair and fair complexion. His own green-blue eyes seemed to be scanning the room with delight, though in no particular interest of anything specific._

_Francis._

_"No... It's too soon," John concluded, suddenly embarrassed._

_Martha frowned. "You two are friends."_

_"Correct..."_

_"So..."_

_"So?"_

_She sighed. "John, don't you like him?"_

_"I..." John didn't know how to answer that. "Liking" someone was putting it awfully ambiguous; was it a term for friendliness in this context, or perhaps something deeper? He had trusted enough Martha to confess his interest in other men over women (a concept that was considered "toxic" and "sinful" by old school Catholics like his own family) but he didn't trust himself enough to draw any conclusions about his relationship with Francis. He was confused and, most of all, anxious._

_"...Yes. But... I don't think we like each other in the same way."_

_Martha thought for a moment. "What kind of attraction is it?" she softly asked._

_John shrugged. "I don't necessarily want him to date me or anything. But... this feeling is different than... all my previous feelings."_

_Martha nodded. "Hey, don't worry about it." She handed the card to John. "It's a thank you note, for coming down to my birthday party." She smiled._

_John smiled back. "Thanks, Martha. And.. I'll speak with him."_

_Martha smiled and turned back to her friends as John took a deep breath to meet Francis at the mini bar, just to see the latter twirling his straw in a cup that was full of something that resembled tea. He grinned when he saw John._

_"Wanna drink?"_

_John paused._

_"It's tea," Francis confirmed._

_John laughed. "I'm good. How are you?"_

_"Fine, and yourself?"_

_"Okay, I guess. I mean, it's Martha's birthday, and I'm always down for celebrating my friends."_

_"Of course. Speaking of which..." He leaned towards John to whisper in his ear. "Let's talk somewhere more... private."_

_John really hated the lump in his throat during that moment. And his leaping heart rate. And his probably flushed face._

_"Yeah, yeah, sure."_

_Francis grabbed his wrist and lead him down an isolated hallway, stopping in front of one of the doors._ It's bad enough this is Martha's party and I'm being dragged off to somewhere private by Francis, John thought.  _He was already drowning in guilt that he couldn't make his father happy by having a girlfriend. Henry had tried setting him up multiple times, then resorted to hinting at a relationship with Martha - His own friend! He couldn't imagine! But to disappoint him by taking a particular interest in other boys? That was the worst by far, and now he was playing into France's trap, as told himself bitterly._

_Francis lightly touched John's cheek. "Dear boy, would you mind doing a few favors for me?"_

_John turned away so that Francis's hand fell from his cheek, and so that he was no longer right next to the latter. "I, uh, I actually have to go anyways, Martha said..."_

_"You're no fun." Francis pouted._

_Heart racing, John tried to leave but was once again grabbed my Francis, his grip more firm on John's wrist. "I thought you said you wanted to stay with me?"_

_"This..." John paused, then replied coldly: "This is not what I wanted."_

_He turned and left. A week went by without talking to Francis, until he wrote an apology letter. John didn't know why, but he felt compelled to stay with Francis, even though he was unnerving sometimes. They were never officially a "thing" and John had to admit he could never really tell what relationship they had. It seemed to cross simple friendliness but they never did any openly romantic things - maybe a bit of flirting, but that was all. They did, however, share things they never told anyone before and certainly felt close._

_A similar incident as Martha's birthday party would occur on Valentine's Day, but this time John smacked Francis's hand away, already angered at Francis's change of behavior in the past month - More distant, frustrated, cold._

_"Stop," John growled, though close to tears. "Stay away from me. You're nothing but trouble."_

_There was barely any emotion on Francis's face. "Good news for me, hon. I actually came to say I'm moving outta Charleston again. You can keep the letters, if you so desire to remember the day you actually had a supporting male companion who stayed even when taking in consideration all the lies you must tell," he said in a sharp tone._

_John punched him once more and fled, tears streaming down his face._

_This had been one of the first real betrayals in his life._

* * *

The tears John remembered from the flashback soon came back to him in reality, and he laid in bed, trying to muffle the sounds of his sobbing. He clutched the old letters in his hand violently, wanting so terribly to rip them, burn them, stomp on them, _something_ that'll make letting go of the memories easier.

Alas, something inside him wasn't ready to let go.

The letters had represented more than just the now empty promises of Francis Kinloch. They represented friendship and acceptance; bitter lies and fights; desires John was never open to until then. They were hope, fear, heartbreak, anger and pure agony all rolled up in one. John wanted to forget the past and move on, and worst of all, almost wished he had kept his promise of never getting close to another man like... _that_ , forgetting himself in the process.

He tried. He really did try to push any possible friend away in fear that he'd be betrayed again, and worse, betray his own family for simply being who he was. He hated Francis, knew he did, but he still couldn't cut him completely out of his heart, nor narrative. And for a while, he succeeded, simply pushing all his feelings in the back of his mind. He was almost able to convince himself that the whole Francis situation never happened, that it was all just a bad dream, and that he was in fact the perfect, straight, Catholic son his father wanted him to be, who actually studied law and always acted like a Southern gentleman.

Another example of his failures.

He couldn't tell whether it was the personality or the ginger hair (he knew deep down it was both), but he found himself being _drawn_ to Alexander. John choked back another sob, remembering his first impression of the shorter, feisty immigrant from Nevis.

The first thing he fell in love with was his mind; Alex was so incredibly intelligent and thought things over so critically with such effortlessness that it shocked John when he first opened his mouth to speak, ranting over some political debate with wholehearted passion. He wasn't afraid of speaking his mind and had no restrictions. He talked for almost a whole hour, never once stopping to get off topic. In fact, John doubted he was to stop any time soon if he and his friends Lafayette and Hercules hadn't interrupted him.

Then he heard his story. Or, rather, it was revealed he was the same kid who'd been on the news for the past few months:  _Caribbean immigrant gains enough money to move to New York City._ Apparently he had written a letter so deeply inspiring and well-written that word got around the small Caribbean island and New York itself, resulting in the locals raising enough money to send him to America, where he was to get a degree at King's College. The guy went from being a poor orphan with no family nor proper education to famous within a week, and eventually set off on his writing, semi-political career.

 _Alexander the video game DOOM._ He'd hear that name multiple times before actually meeting him at a local bar in NYC. There Lafayette pointed and claimed he'd seen him in a news article he had read on his phone. "It's him! Alexander!"

The rest is history. Overhearing Alex argue with one of the bartenders and becoming increasingly fascinated, he made his way over and introduced himself. John and Alex were inseparable ever since. (Alex became friends with Lafayette and Mulligan too. John honestly thought for the longest time that the only reason Laf had interest in him at first was because Alex was also fluent in French.)

And now he had such deep emotions for his friend that he didn't even know he could ever feel about anyone, ever. Alex continued to inspire him every day; Alex pushed himself to the limit in order to pursue and exceed his career, which only made John want to work harder too. John knew Alex's habit of overworking himself was due to the simple fact that Alex had nothing for the longest point in his life, and ultimately craved a purpose. He wanted to live life to its fullest and help people, and that was one of the most beautiful things about Alexander.

John found himself often comparing Alex to Francis... They both had strong opinions and were both incredibly stubborn. Alex, however, took this to a whole new level, and John found it irresistible. It's the simple truth: He was in love with Alexander, and he's never been more in love with anyone in his life. 

He just couldn't find the courage to say these things. Love was one battle he constantly lost, one in which he took many bullets endlessly, seemingly for no reason at all.  _No,_ John corrected himself.  _Alexander is the reason. It's him. It's always been him, and that's how it's going to continue to be..._

With great love came great pain.

* * *

In all reality, Alexander was quite aware of the struggles regarding love - Even more so when he happened to pass the door to the room in which both John and himself slept in, overhearing the sobs. He hadn't meant to eavesdrop; he simply became worried when John excused himself and spent thirty minutes by himself thus far. 

Alex inhaled sharply, extremely worried. He tapped the door lightly, not wanting to startle his friend. "Hey, John?" he asked softly. "You okay? May I come in?"

There was a brief moment of absolute silence, and Alex - without meaning to - held his breath until John finally opened the door, looking down and trying to hide his tears in vain. "You can come in..." His voice broke, and so did Alex's heart at that moment.

Alex immediately stepped in. "Oh, Jacky," he muttered. "What's wrong?" 

He moved closer to his friend in order to hug him, and in a reflex, John pulled away, regretting it right afterward. "I-I'm sorry."

Alex's frown deepened, but he pressed on. "It's okay, I promise. Sit with me." He held John's hand and pulled him onto the bed.

John opened his mouth to speak, but couldn't find the words so leaned on Alex's shoulder. Alex smoothed John's hair, whispering soothing things like "I'm here, I can help" and "Don't worry, I've got you."

After several moments of simply holding each other, John spoke: "I remembered...something from my past."

Alex's eyes met John's, and his eyebrow raised. "Yes?" he asked softly.

"Yeah, and..." John wiped another tear. "I just... it all came back to me, bit by bit..."

Alexander's face softened. He pulled John closer and hugged him. "I understand..." He was playing with John's hair now, once more. "That happens to me too often... And it leaves me just as distraught, John. I'm here for you."

"I know." John didn't want to let go.

"Did anything trigger it?"

"Well..." John had never mentioned Francis to Alex. It was too risky, and hadn't been relevant until now. It was a painful subject, but more so because he didn't want Alex to get the wrong idea... It was _he_ who John loved, not Francis, no matter how many times the latter crossed his mind. Explaining this to Alex would be quite similar to the hurricane that struck Nevis: disastrous, influential. 

But he couldn't lie. No, he was too see-through...his relationship with Alex had so much clarity that hiding would be noticed, quite quickly and effortlessly too.

"Francis," he muttered.

"What?" Alex asked, holding John tighter.

John choked back another sob. "I need to start from the beginning. It's time I told you about Francis..."

* * *

John found himself, once again, on his laptop, this time typing away a heated email to his father. Similar to the previous routine, Alexander walked into their New York house, this time stopping in the living room and forcing himself not to jump on John again in excitement. "Father again?" he asked, analyzing John's furrowed eyebrow, the laptop in his hand, and Starbucks on the coffee table.

"Yes." John groaned, glancing at Alex, who simply grinned, followed by a smirk.

John raised an eyebrow. "In a good mood after working at Washington's?" he questioned.

Alex made his way back into the kitchen, turning to John before disappearing. "I have a surprise for you, Jacky." His smug look made John's heart race. At first nervous, then excited with curiosity and cheerful in gratitude, he followed Alex into the kitchen.

"What's going... oh."

Alex pulled out a whole bottle of champagne from his backpack. "Oh, I am getting you _so_ drunk tonight."

John laughed, close to tears, before replying. "What's the occasion?"

Alex continued to grin. "It's Valentine's Day."

John sobered up. "Yes, I suppose it is," he said, accidentally coming off stiffly. It had been a few days after the Francis conversation, and John - though grateful for Alex's support - still felt extremely nervous about the topic.

Alex sensed his distress and placed a gentle hand on his arm. "Hey, I want to make it up to you."

"Alex..."

"I know, I know, I didn't have to, but... I wanted to. I _still_ want to." Alex took a deep breath. "Please, I want to help."

John didn't know how getting drunk would help his problems, but he admitted that the idea of getting drunk with Alexander was comforting. He smiled. "Let's go, then."

Alex brightened. "Great."

"Why champagne?" John questioned. "We could've just went to the bar...it's cheaper."

"Why, I'm celebrating you, Jacky." 

Alex's wink didn't calm John's heart rate, or blush.

"This is awfully sweet of you..." John said shyly, tucking a strand of curly hair behind his ear.

Alex turned abruptly away, and John could make out a bright blush. An accomplishment.

"Don't mention it."

 _I have a feeling this'll be the best Valentine's Day ever,_ John thought. "Let me finish this email and give me time to freshen up before we start," John said with his own little wink.

Alex smiled and looked down at his backpack with no reply.

* * *

John had time in the bathroom to privately process everything that had happened.  _I'm basically on a date with Alexander. And I'm totally getting drunk._

He smiled and changed into a nicer shirt. He then met Alex in the kitchen, who whistled appreciatively. "Dear John has too look all upper-class fancy for a simple hang out with his almost broke roommate."

"Shut up," John said teasingly. "Also, if anything, _I'm_ the broke one."

Alex grinned. "Only when considering your career."

"Well, yeah, but..." Alex chuckled and John shot back playfully: "Hey, are you going to distract me or are we going to actually do this?" 

"How sweet, you want to spend time with me!" Alex said, mocking a stunned expression.

John placed a hand on his heart. "You wound me."

Alex grabbed the bottle and sat it on the table cautiously as if he were doing a ritual. In Alex's case, it probably was.

"Do you we even have glasses?" John asked, and Alex shrugged. "Somewhere in here..." His roommate answered, looking through the cabinets. "Now _where_...Aha." Alex grabbed two glasses. "We are victorious yet again!"

John chuckled. "Let's toast to our new findings. I actually had no idea we had champagne glasses." He shot Alex a half-hearted accusing look.

Alex shrugged. "We usually go to the bar anyways. In fact, speaking of which, I'm sure that's where Laf and Mulligan are by now."

"That's fine. We don't need them to have a great party."

Alex laughed. "If this is a party, where's the music?" He raised an eyebrow.

"Hey, you're the one who arranged this whole thing. I should be asking you, Lex."

"Fair point, Jacky." He finally sat the glasses on the table. "Now, if only I can get this cork unscrewed..."

"Don't shoot your eye out," John muttered with a smirk.

Alex sighed with amusement. "George had said the exact same thing."

"Oh?" John asked. "You told him your plans?"

Alex nodded, still working at the cork. "Yeah, I mentioned I wanted to do something special for you... I came up with the idea, of course-"

"-Alexander Hamilton, master of alcoholic drinks and parties," John interrupted.

Alex smirked. "Precisely. And then he recommended me this place that sold champagne bottles, blah blah blah, made a few side comments... We have fun."

"Not as fun as we," John said, voice lowered.

"Of course," Alex agreed. "If only I could get this damned thing open."

"Let me try." Alex pouted but let John take the bottle from his hand, popping off the cork with ease. "There."

"Hmmph. I loosened it for you."

John shoved Alex gently, then reached for the bottle.

"Oh, no you don't," Alex said, snatching it away. "You're the guest, you relax."

"Alexander, I live here."

"Yes, but this was originally my house," he scoffed. "Point is, this is my gift to you. I'll pour it for us like a Southern gentlemen!"

"Which is me; I'm from South Carolina."

"Oh, shush." Alex smiled and John smirked, taking it as yet another win. The champagne was poured swiftly and the two sat at the kitchen tables, so close as to where their knees touched. 

Alex wafted his glass and sighed. "This is heaven."

John laughed. "Plus we're together."

"Exactly." Alex and John's eyes met for a few silent moments before John chuckled. "Shall we continue to smell the champagne or what?"

"I was getting there. We were having a moment."

John laughed once more and raised his glass. "To friendship!"

Alex raised his own. "To friendship," he repeated happily. They clinked their glasses and immediately drank.

John giggled.

"Already giddy?" Alex teased.

"Not enough, anyways."

Alex nodded, satisfied. "Good, 'cause we still have the whole night."

John blushed, wondering how he got so lucky to have someone that put endless time and effort into their relationship.

He drank again. "I hope I don't wake up tomorrow hungover."

"I cannot promise I won't be the cause."

"Obviously," John snorted, digging his knee farther into Alex's.

"Besides, you don't have to worry about that _yet_." Alex took another drink, and John found himself glancing at the former's lips around the glass. He blushed, giving Alex a shy look, then took another drink. 

For awhile they exchanged casual conversations - remarks on their day, plans for the next week, random things that crossed their mind, ect. After a portion of each topic they'd both pause to take another drink, quickly becoming more bubbly and giddy as time went by.

Once Alex gazed fondly at John while he was ranting about something and tugged lightly at his loose hair. "I've always been jealous of your hair," he mused.

John blushed. "I prefer yours; ginger and straight."

Alex smiled and pushed some of John's hair back. "I can't imagine trying to brush this every morning."

"Would you like to give it a try?" John leaned in closer and Alex laughed. "Possibly."

Other conversations occured, such as:

"Who do you think is the most drunk?" 

"Totally you, Alex."

"No way! I haven't giggled as much as yourself... nor as lovely."

"You think so?"

And:

"This party is a marvelous way of saying 'Fuck the world.'"

John snorted. "Homeboys gotta stick together, fam."

"And drink champagne for hours."

John gasped, nearly knocking over his glass. "Howlonghasitbeen?"

"Er, I don't know!" Alex laughed and took a big swig of his drink and John followed suite. 

"When you wake up wrecked t'morrow, don't come cryin' to me," John teased.

"Aw, Johnny boy's Southern accent is comin' back!"

Hiding his blush with his hands, John cried "Is not!"

"Is toooo."

"You're childish, Alexander."

"So're you!"

"Do a street accent for me, Lex."

"'Ey, no need for stereotypes," Alex said, over exaggerating his New York accent.

John laughed out loud and Alex sighed dreamily. "I'm glad I make you happy," he said in delight, and John stuck his tongue out. Alex's eyes lingered on John's before taking another drink. "We should see who can take the most shots."

"Oooh, you're on!!"

After a few rounds of that, Alex placed a hand on his head and winced. John, concerned, asked "Wha's wrong?" though it was obvious.

"Head's throbbin', already." He shooked his head. "I'll be fine."

John frowned. "Alex, I want you to feel better.. you musn't sacrifice your health just to see me happy." He placed is own hand on Alex's forehead, noting that it was, in fact, warmer than average.

"Oh, but I will."

"Please don't."

Alex leaned closer to John. "Make me."

John inhaled, temptation feeling his drunked mind. One more inch and he could feel Alex's warm lips on his own, just like his daydreams and fantasies... John glanced at his lips, then met his eyes once more. Then he smiled.

"You're a great friend."

Alex huffed, John feeling his breath melting with his own. "Soareyou, Jack."

"Your words don't make sense," John pointed out, amused.

"They always do, John."

"Alex."

"John."

"Alex."

" _John_."

" _Alleeex_."

" _Jackkyy."_

"Lexy."

"Dear boy."

John blushed and looked down.

"I won," Alex said triumphantly.

John took another drink. "We'll see."

"Too late, hon, I won!" He clapped in delight.

"I'm the real winner."

"Hmm?"

"I have you." John booped Alex's nose, and the latter's face redened, holding John's hand.

John looked up and inhaled sharply, meeting Alex's intense gaze. "Um..." Alex began. His nervousness went away as John intertwined their fingers together, thumb brushing Alex's palm. "Thank you."

Alex grabbed John's free hand. "I should be thanking you."

John shook his head stubbornly. "No, you did all this for me... Thank you. No one's ever... made me feel this way. I- I appreciate it."

Alex moved closer so that he was practically sitting in John's lap. "And how do you feel?" he asked, voice lowered.

John inhaled once more. "Amazing," John said breathlessly, and Alex shivered. "Loved."

Alex smiled. He whispered in John's ear: "You deserve it."

The next thing John felt was heat, the kind he felt he could easily get addicted to if their situation got too out of hand; plus he was already intoxicated, and so his mind seemed to be playing tricks on him even though he knew very well what he wanted. His cheeks were bright red as he pulled Alex closer, close enough to where Alex nuzzled into his neck. He sighed contently. 

"I love you," John blurted, voice hoarse. As soon as the words escape, a wave of emotion nearly drowned him - Or at least it would have if he wasn't already drowning in the pleasure and comfort of Alex's scent, heartbeat, body on his... 

John felt conflicted; Happy and maybe even proud of himself for finally saying it in different context compared to their less intimate bonding moments, but also anxious for Alex's reply. Alex loved him, sure, but to what extent? Was it truly in the same way? Had he been to forward? Even if Alex did love him with the same overwhelming passion, what if he were to fall in love, what if father found out, what if he couldn't return the love Alex had been so generously kind to share, what if-

Alex's hands made their way to the back of John's neck, tenderly caressing the exposed skin. "I love you too," he said, voice barely above a whisper - And, to John's great astonishment, "I've always have. And I don't want stop..."

"I will not stop," John replied back, holding Alex's gaze.

Alex smiled. "I know. I only hope you believe the same for me?"

John let out a shaly breath, though extremely victorious. "Of course, Alexander."

Their foreheads touched, and John whimpered.

Alex's hands were now in John's hair. "John..."

"Yes, Alex?" he asked softly.

"...It might be in my power, by action rather than words, to convince you that I love you."

John chuckled. "Is that so?" He met Alex's intense, loving gaze. Alexander leaned in, and John nearly choked from inhaling too quickly, eyes trailing down to Alex's lips as his thumb brushed them gently. He remembered leaning in as well, until their lips both clashed, gentle and cautious yet determined.

The back and forth of their mouths were in perfect harmony. John pulled Alex fully onto his lap, holding his hips as Alex's legs wrapped around John's own. Alex continued to tug on John's curly hair, only fueling John's desire to kiss harder, and so he did, Alex softly moaning in the process. Caught up in the moment and not thinking about any consequences or fears, one of them - neither remembered who - slipped tongue into the kiss, which only deepened as they somehow managed to move closer to each other.

John needed air first, nose still touching Alex's when he let out breath. He glanced at Alex, to reassure himself that he hadn't just made the biggest mistake of his life - though he almost believed beforehand that was impossible. _How can something that feels so good be so wrong? Especially when considering Alexander?_

His roommate's eyes were still closed when John looked - and when he did, he wanted to scream in delight. Alex's cheeks were flushed, lips swollen, a dreamy smile on his face. He finally opened his eyes, immediately searching for answers in John's face - Who realized, in perfect clarity, he was feeling the exact same way.

"I love you."

Alex smiled more. "You've said so, I believe." His voice was still uncharacteristically soft, vulnerable.

"I know." John caressed Alex's cheek. "I want you to know that I still do, after a moment we've never experienced before... I am making up for the times I was to scared to say so... which I regret."

"Same as I." They both paused, taking a moment to appreciate each other's disheveled appearance. "Oh, dear," Alex muttered with a giggle. "It looks that I've completely messed up your hair."

John smiled. "Alex, do you want me like this?"

"Like... this?" Alex vaguely gestured to both of their mouths. 

"Yes."

Alex grinned. "Yes! Yes, yes, yes..." he said quickly. "I've always wanted this." He blushed. "I've always wanted you."

Then he quickly added: "But of course, I only shall have you if you desire it as well, John. It's why I didn't tell you. I didn't... I didn't want to lose you, scare you off, whatever. I dearly cherished - and still do - our friendship. You've.. you've changed my life. I need you. No matter what, gosh, I need you."

John teared up. All his time of worrying, fearing, lying, trying so badly not to fall... He finally did, and Alexander caught him.

"I need you too. I knew it when I first met you..." He laughed nervously. "Damn, Alex, you've said all the words I could not and still can't describe."

Alex held John's hand. "It's okay. We're going to figure this out together... I promise. I'm staying with you. I am yours and you are mine."

"Yes," John breathlessly agreed. "You are mine and I am yours." He kissed Alex gently on the cheek, and Alex hugged him.

"I am beyond honored to be your boyfriend and I will stop at nothing to make you happy," Alex whispered.

"Thank you," John said once more.

"You deserve it." Alex was still smiling, and John was still hugging him.

"We're a mess," John said with a laugh after several minutes of silence, simply holding each other.

"Eh, we have the morning to regret drinking too much." Alex smiled up at John.

"We'll go through it together."

"Exactly. We started that way, not end it like that as well?"

"You talk so much," John said, mostly as an afterthought.

Alex smirked. "Shut me up any time and any way you want."

John raised an eyebrow. "Really?"

"Yes."

John kissed him again.

* * *

The alarm went off, and Alex groaned. " _Johhhnn_ , what time is it?"

"Time for you to get a watch," came John's sleepy reply.

Alex groaned and sat up on the bed, regretting it immediately as the sun from the window blinded him. " _Ow_." He touched his own throbbing head. "Remind me how much we drank, Jacky..."

"Ehhh... too much."

"Figures." Alex yawned. "It's already the late afternoon."

"Mmph," came John's muffled reply, for his face was buried in a pillow. 

Alex stretched and, recalling last night, smiled and laid down next to John, wrapping his arms around the latter's waist. "Good morning, dear boy."

John hummed. "Good morning," came his husky reply, and Alex felt like melting. "Fucking bless," he accidently said aloud.

"Oh, is that what you think?"

Alex blushed. "Shut up, I'm too hungover for this."

"Told yaaa," John said teasingly.

"Shush." Alex hugged John tighter. "We can make fun of ourselves later on. For now, I propose we rest." He yawned once more.

"First..." John rolled over to face Alex, smiling widely. "There, now our positions are perfect."

Alex rolled his eyes fondly, then pressed a soft kiss to John's lips. "I love you."

"I love you too." 

Finally at peace - at least for a little while - John closed his eyes and slept soundly, holding his favorite person in the whole world. 

**Author's Note:**

> Other 2018 Lams work(s) by me:  
> http://archiveofourown.org/works/13282836 {Historical AU, hurt/comfort}  
> Tbh I took inspiration from this as well :p  
> If you want info on the Laurens/Kinolch relationship just ask or do your own research :3  
>  
> 
> tumblr: queennyxie.tumblr.com  
> this was legit so fun to make oml  
> did i do too much at the end lol


End file.
